Struggling In The Swamp Of Sadness

Note: this is not a cry for help (I am actively getting help). It’s a statement of solidarity with other people who are suffering right now.

This is going to start pretty dark. It will get more hopeful as we go. Content warning: this is all about suicidal ideation.

I spent a lot of time this weekend reading up on famous suicides. I ended up on a site called Lost All Hope dot com, which bills itself as one of the most comprehensive suicide resources online. I was there looking at painless ways to commit suicide. (Spoiler alert: it turns out that a lot of the ways you think might be painless in fact are not, and that the ones that are more painless are messier, and that the best way to kill yourself actually requires the help of another person, which makes it more of a murder.) I was not in what we usually consider a good place.

Right now I’m dealing with a lot of depression and anxiety. Some of it is situational – I’m unemployed, running out of money and don’t see a clear path towards being a position where I can get a real job that will allow me to move out of my current living situation, where I’m accepting the charity of friends. But there’s something I’ve learned in my 18 months of sobriety and spirituality – it isn’t my situation that’s making me want to die, it’s how I’m relating to it.

Continue reading “Struggling In The Swamp Of Sadness”

The Least Wonderful Time Of The Year

This is a tough time of year for a lot of people. Maybe you’re having a tough time this week and you’re thinking about irrevocable decisions you could make to end the suffering.

I’m not going to tell you it’s going to get better. That’s the kind of bullshit people tell you and then you feel betrayed by it. It doesn’t always get better. Sometimes it gets worse. If we’re all being honest with ourselves we have to accept and acknowledge that.

What I will tell you, and what I can guarantee is true, is that you won’t always feel this way.

Continue reading “The Least Wonderful Time Of The Year”